she speaks, she breathes

M A R A

She stood upon a precipice. A line between two choices; or better, two unknowns, for she could only feel the weight of choice upon her shoulders, but could not see what exactly it was she was choosing. To run, to hide? To continue on, to return? To cry, to smile? It felt as if she were two halves, each being pulled in opposite directions. Sometimes further one way, sometimes the other, and she somewhere between. Out of control, unsure of herself. The lines were blurring more and more each day. She felt she was being dramatic, though that too she couldn’t be sure of. Was this an overreaction or under? Others had gone through worse. Either way, it felt good to think of this as just dramatics; a young girl taking herself too seriously, rather than the alternative: that she had made a grave and irreparable mistake


It was the same idea that plagued her day in and day out. But there was no turning back now, was there? Was it really just the illusion of choice? Because, truly, what choice had she? She could not turn back now, her tail between her legs, and flee back to her old home. The shame of it alone would cripple her. She could only move forward, continue on in these unknown lands and face whatever may come, though the thought made her throat close up with anxiety, made it feel as though the whole world was coming crashing down upon her. There was no way to describe the loneliness encompassing her. Nothing to quell the bomb about to explode from inside of her, every day ticking further and further toward implosion, toward inevitable doom.


And in the same token, Mara sat here, at the edge of the lake’s waters, and she felt so blessed to be alive, so thankful to breathe the fresh, new air, to see the world around her that sometimes it felt so childish to ever worry about something as trivial as her past. When she felt the cool winds against her fur, the sound of birdsong, smelled the new foreign scents, she couldn’t help but feel grateful. After all, she was alive, and she was in love with being alive for all the trouble that it brought. She had worked hard to be where she was and she had better enjoy it — and it was easier if she just tried to forget all of the guilt she had lingering over her like a curse. Easier to ignore.


With a sudden burst of energy, Mara launched herself into the lake, padding out until the water reached her belly. She stared over the waters feeling everything and nothing at all, wholly unsure of her emotions but knowing at the same time that they were completely overwhelming. Then, without thinking, the woman submerged her face into the lake’s water and screamed.

alexandre