I have died every day looking for you

It had been years, and the terms of their parting were hardly usual, Barb may be naïve but he wasn't dumb. He could only imagine the thoughts Blackburn might have internalized, the guilt he carried, Barb certainly shed no tears for Talianne but it had been Blackburns own cousin. To carry that sort of wound with you, day after day, and not a friend in sight to share the burden with. It was isolating, suffocating, and so Barb was prepared for whatever change it had wrought in his friend so long as his friend existed to be found.

And, for all the heckles and attempts at intimidation, Barb had found him.

"Well I'll say, you're definitely not his size anymore, but it's been four years and I'm not going to be deterred just because you decided to change your name!" in some corner of his mind Barbs animal instinct was screaming to get angry or run, but Barb refused to listen, his mind was the one thing he had of his own and so the wolf had long ago ensured he was the one in control of it rather than something finicky like emotions or instincts.

"I don't know what your name is, but I know what you've been through, and I came to make sure you didn't have to do it alone," a stubborn declaration, even in the face of Blackburn all but refusing to acknowledge their past, but Barb had not spent four years searching for this brat to be turned away by harsh words.

"So, whatever it is you call yourself now, I brought you something to maybe help if you ever miss home too much. There's more back in my cave, plants and mementos from every place i've been, I wish I had been there with you but bringing you to it works just as well," Barb broke eye contact for a minute, just to slide the makeshift necklace of dry fireweeds off his neck and at Blackburns feet, before lifting his head to look up at his friend with nothing but the love and acceptance he felt for him.

"I never stopped looking for you, and I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up, but even if you haven't missed me I missed you...."

Thinking. "Speaking."

None of this was anything like Barb had imagined, but that was a fate he had accepted in all the years he'd spent looking, because he hadn't known his poor friend was exiled until it was too late. He had gotten ahead, and Barb had lost him, and it was a rather lame claim to only find him so many years later. But just because fate wasn't always kind didn't mean he had to roll over and accept it! He would defy it at every turn, in fact, with every cell in his body. It was never too late, not so long as they both drew breath, and even in the face of his old friends mocking and acidity Barb stood determined.

"You chose that life! And don't you for a second try to blame me for that! I left as soon as i'd heard, from someone else mind because you never said goodbye, and I chased after you as fast and as quick as I could! Am I supposed to be blamed because you didn't want me along!? I get it, we were friends out of the fact your cousin bullied us both, but I loved you dammit! I loved you enough to chase you half way across this godforsaken world, to shame our pack for turning their back on you, and to not give a shit if I died or worse just on the off chance I could keep you from being alone! I will never forgive myself for not catching up to you, for getting lost and not being able to find you, for not being enough for you to just fucking wait for me to come find you!" Barb was crying, there were tears and a tightness in his chest that demanded sobbing to relieve, but he was being stubborn here and refusing to give in to the weakness that clawed at him. Bad enough the emotions were poring out, all the bitterness and guilt and self hate for his own failures and short comings, especially in the face of a beloved friends indifference!

Of course, then his friend tried to be dramatic, leave with some dramatic one liner and drag his carcass off. And Barb knew how to stop him, not that it was smart or wise, but he had a plan and quickly enacted it by simply closing the distance and raising a paw to knock the prey out of Dire's mouth. Fully prepared for retaliation, if anything relaxing his body so the impact wouldn't hurt, but never once doing anything but meeting his friends (and yes he still saw him as such!) gaze with a fire both determined and old as the wolf himself.

"You can't hurt me into running away and giving up on you, I already hurt myself with my own hatred for my failings every day, and whether it takes one meetings or one thousand," the anger had left his voice, as had the desperation, there was nothing now but determination. And as if to seal the vow, since at this point he was clearly just going for it, he leaned forward to give his friend an affectionate nip to the cheek.

Goodness knows he was clearly lacking for affection!

Thinking. "Speaking."

Barb wouldn't pretend it wasn't hard to stand here, hell he was literally on the edge of sobbing to Dire's retreating back, and yet even as every attempt he made seemed to get swatted away he couldn't find it in himself to give up. Blackburn, Dire, whatever name this creature wanted to call himself he was still so dearly precious to Barb. And somewhere that love was returned, even if not conciously, because if it was not by now he'd have certainly been deemed too annoying to live. But that only helped a little, emotionally raw as Barb was, to continue to bare himself heart and soul to someone who wouldn't even attempt to engage with him. He hadn't expected the same enthusiasm, but something surely, something more than stony silence or condemnation.

So Barb would simply have to take away Dire's excuse to be silent.

At any other time, Barb would have laughed at the look of sheer offense and the curse that left Dire's maw, but right now he was busy making one final desperate move. To try and connect, to show his words were as real and true as the two of them, even though he also knew doing so would likely not feel the greatest in the short term....because Dire had never been the most receptive to affection. Always a much more "I'll slay your enemies and lay them at your feet" type. But, even as he was manhandled, some rebellious corner of his mind felt this was the closest they'd ever been....and he'd certainly torn the lid off of Dire's emotions.

"I will mention her and curse her until the day I die, I have that right, she made my life - our lives - miserable and her death doesn't erase that. Just as your killing by accident doesn't erase who you were before that. The old man may be traumatized, but he was indulgent to his daughter and he paid the price, if it wasn't you then someone someday would have put her in her place and things would have all gone down the same," Barb was on his back now, once Dire released him, not so much out of submission but because he wanted to be able to look at his friend as he spoke. And there was no fear in his eyes for the aggression Dire showed, not a single ounce of damn self preservation in the face of a beast who already had made his muzzle throb, just those patient eyes still wet and searching - as they always would be.

"Love makes fools of us all, Dire, and I will always love and care for you,"

Thinking. "Speaking."

Barb knew he'd done it when Dire stamped his foot, even if the image of the wolf stamping his foot like some indignant pup caused the urge to laugh bubble up in his chest, but he knew it was too serious a moment for laughter especially when the....foot stamp was followed by angry growling and scolding as if no time had passed. It was reassuring in a way, because for all the fighting it seems some things never changed, Barb sassed and Dire raged which meant he endured the whole thing without so much as a flinch for it was business as usual.

"You are mortal Dire, you always have been, and mortals such as us will inevitably make mistakes. It's tragic what happened, but it could have happened to far worse people, if you hadn't been the one to kill her it would have been someone else. Parents are allowed to indulge their children, but overindulgence has consequences, he would not be around forever to protect her and one day she would have mouthed off to the wrong creature. It's a tragedy that it happened while he lived, I don't envy him, but don't ask me to grieve or blame you for what was an inevitability for such a horrible person," Barb had never understood why death erased peoples faults, why just because his cousin was dead Burn had forgotten every awful thing she had ever done, and no matter how much he knew no parent should have to bury their young he could not find an ounce of sympathy for the devil who tormented his childhood.

Not even when asked to by the angel who saved it.

"And you don't have to, you've been alone for a long time after all, I'm sure things like love and companionship feel like foreign concepts. But I'm going to help you remember, I failed when we were younger and before the world could hurt you, but I'm here now and so long as I live you will come to remember these things," his voice was softer once again, rolling onto his stomach now that Dire was no longer towering over him, fully intent on rising up and following him despite how awful this entire interaction would seem to any outsider. He paused briefly at the threat, affection flickering in those eyes bright with fondness, because Dire very easily could kill him and yet Barb didn't mind. 

"It would certainly be an interesting twist to our tale, for you to kill me now that I've finally found you, and I don't doubt you mean it. So I won't beg you not to, nor will I run in fear, I'll simply say that if you wish me dead then you may kill me right here and now without objection," he offered, voice full of affection as he once more approached Dire and rolled upon his back as much beneath him as he could manage - which was well considering his small frame, but then his eyes hardened and he looked up at his friend knowing this could very well be his final words.

"But I promise you, if there is a life after this, I will still be around Dire. Distance and time didn't stop me, death won't either, not so long as any part of me still roams this earth,"

Thinking. "Speaking."