Always In My Head

He knew that he was safe here. He knew that it had to be impossible for anything to get in here without the whole pack noticing. He knew that within this branch of the cavern that there were only wolves. No lynx here. And yet, even standing here right next to an adult wolf, he could feel his heart pounding. But it was hard to tell…was he afraid? Of what? He was home; nothing could get him here. He had never felt afraid in his own home. But it was different now…maybe it wasn’t the presence of something that scared him…it was something else.

Even though he had initiated it, the dark pup jumped just slightly when he heard the deep voice of the wolf he had awoken rumble at him. He took a deep breath in, searching in the dark for where he assumed the big male’s eyes were. He saw a pair of yellowish orbs appear in the darkness and peer at him, and for just a moment he felt as though he were in his nightmare again…locking eyes with something unknown in the dark…watching him…waiting. But this was different. These eyes weren’t thin or threatening, or bloodthirsty. Instead they were gentle.

When he heard the male actually speak in a hushed whisper, Kai’s mind went blank. He had made it this far, but he never actually thought of what he would say when he got here. He glanced downwards, for just a moment seeing the faint outline of the male’s paws in the dark and wondering if his paws would ever get that big. But a sudden touch against his nose made him jump again, silver eyes lifting to meet Caveras’. He spoke again, and Kai had a moment of realization that he didn’t remember this wolf speaking this way. Then again, he couldn’t actually remember any times he had talked to this guy prior to the other day. But he hadn’t talked to him that day either…he had been too out of it…

“I…uh…I had…a nightmare.” His anxious eyes fell to the ground, his front maws shuffling together against the cold stone beneath them. He was almost afraid to look the man in the eyes again. Would he think that Kai was just being a baby, being so afraid of something that wasn’t real? Even though…it kind of was… “Could I…um…s-stay with you?”

"Speaking." Thinking.

Despite his nerves being on edge, even in that moment, there was a little blossom of warmth that settled in the young pup's chest at the brute's words of comfort. A part of him almost felt relieved at the thought that someone was ok with having him around, even if it was just one wolf. Most of his life he had at least two, and when he was younger there was more than that, since back when there were more pups who were…ya know…not as eager to leave home or decide their futures. But now it felt as though there was no one. At least he had one again.

His eyes went a little bit wide at the man's offer, mouth slightly agape and at a loss of words on how to answer. "O-oh, I…uh…" His big silver eyes flickered around him for a minute, his paws shuffling together in uncertainty. He swallowed down a lob of nerves and padded forward slowly, and though he was vaguely aware of how far Cal was from him, he still managed to walk forward and run nose-first into the brute's side. For a moment he jerked his head backwards, worried that the bigger wolf wouldn't appreciate the mistake. But, after the end of his muzzle pushed against the other male, something seemed to click in the pup's mind. Something…almost familiar…and comforting. He slowly leaned his head forward again, his muzzle pushing into a thick layer of soft fur. Had he been a cat, that moment is when the purring would have started. The feeling of the soft fur made his mind soften and his head turned, nuzzling against the brute's side. He gently pressed his own side against Cal's, lowering himself onto the flat stone and curling his legs up under him.

There was silence for a minute, and it was actually a peaceful kind of silence. And then a whispered voice found his ears, and they flattened a tad against his head. Nightmares weren't something that only he experienced, obviously he knew that. Everyone had nightmares. Or at least he was pretty sure everyone did. So it wasn't a surprise. But…there was a difference between the nightmares he had in the past, and the ones he was having now. The ones of the past felt more…indirect. Ones where he himself wasn't being hurt or chased or anything like that, but someone else in his life was. But these…these felt so much more targeted towards himself. Which only made them feel all the more real.

"I…I just…keep seeing its face…every time I close my eyes…it's always there, watching me. Sometimes it's just one…other times it feels like the forest is full of them…and they are all looking at me…" He was almost scared to close his eyes right then, worried that he would and the words he spoke would come true. "And other times…I just see that…body…all torn up and…t-the blood….." He could feel his stomach twisting in disgust at the mere thought of it. Even though all prey was prey and pretty much all prey bled, there was a big difference between a little rabbit or squirrel and a massive deer.

But, there was still more than that, though much less scary and gorey. Rather, more…psychological. "And…..the others…..I'll see their faces…looking at me…as if I'm an outsider…or like they hate me…..but I guess those are more real than they are nightmares…" His head slowly lowered to his paws, resting between them with his ears still lowered. His own brothers hated him. He knew that they did. But…what was he supposed to do? They were both so…stubborn. He knew nothing he said would ever convince them to like him again. He had lost his two closest family members when he was very young…and now he was losing the only other two he had left…

"Speaking." Thinking.

Out of all things that the young mahogany pup appreciated in the short life he had lived thus far, physical affection had always been at the top of the list. As most pups did when they were young, he valued that warmth and that connection, though it seemed that many grew out of that rather quickly, where he did not. When he was a tad younger, he could never sleep unless his body was curled against his mother’s soft fur, safety and comfort covering him like a blanket. And though she didn’t do it often, in the few times when his sister had snuck over and pressed her pelt to his, he couldn’t have been happier. But all of that warmth and comfort had disappeared, as had the ones who gave it to him.

When Zero and Shepherd had taken him in as their brother, he gained at least some of that back. But, for multiple reasons, there were so few times when Kai openly admitted that he sought their affection. He did, even when he didn’t say it. But it was never the same. And now, as little as it had been with them as it was, he had returned to having none.

What he felt from his brothers had never been the same as what he felt from his mother, or even his sister. He hadn’t felt the same way in so long. But in that moment, curled up against the side of Caveras, Kai found himself feeling what he had yearned for all along. Perhaps it wasn’t exactly the same, partially because this wolf was not his mother, and partially because of the circumstances. But he still felt...safe. Far safer than he did sleeping on his own.

He listened to what the Rook said, and while he wasn’t going to admit out loud that every meat-based meal he had eaten since the incident he had ended up throwing back up shortly after, it was a considerate thought. He remained silent, still listening as the bigger wolf continued. He nodded lightly at the question; he knew that a lynx was a cat, and he knew that what attacked them was a lynx, but he didn’t know much of them beyond that. They were solitary...so there wouldn’t have been more than one. At least he knew his dreams weren’t accurate, to some degree. But at the mention of their size, he had a moment of thought, considering how big the lynx was, and how big he may one day get. As he was, he was small, but would he eventually grow to be the same size as Caveras? Bigger? Smaller? And when he did grow, how big would he be compared to a lynx? Not that he would ever seek one out to find out, but he still wondered.

The silver-eyed pup almost smiled. “Me neither. I’ve never known how their brains work, or if they have any.” He didn’t quite chuckle, as his maw did not fully form into a smile, nor was there any sound, but he huffed as though he had. Even as his mind worked through the harsh reality that his brothers hated him, it was still...not quite comforting, but perhaps simply familiar, to gently poke fun at them in a brotherly-love sort of way as he always had. But he returned to being quiet, taking in what the other said.

They may hurt others along the way...it wasn’t until that moment that Kai realized the fact that he didn’t actually know much about either of their families. He knew that Zero had sisters that he didn’t associate with much, and any time Shep talked about his family it was just insults and hatred. He’d always seen it from their side. But a part of him began to wonder what their families thought of them. Had the two of them already hurt others before him? Was this something he should have expected?

The pup could feel his mind beginning to overthink, rethinking any times he could picture in the past when something may have happened that he didn’t catch, or something that was said that he should have questioned. But a small puff of air against his head pulled him from his thoughts, little silver eyes blinking a few times as there was a gentle feeling of something pressing between his ears. This time he didn’t flinch, though it was still a tad disorienting being unable to see what was happening in the dark.

His ears twitched hearing the other’s voice so close, but his eyes widened at what was said. Going...with him? Out in the territory? Patrolling? Multiple things ran through his little mind in that moment. Getting to see more of the territory, but not wanting to be out in a territory where a lynx had been a few days prior. Getting to explore with an actual adult who could keep him safe, but not having his brothers to explore with. He felt conflicted, but he thoughts turned back to something else Caveras had said, almost an echo of something his mother often told him when he was young.

‘It turns out alright in the end.’

‘The storm will pass.’

He considered for a moment. His first instinct was to try and patch things up with his brothers as quickly as possible. But...Caveras said that they must have a lot to work through. And he knew that he did too. Maybe...it would be better if things were worked out...separately. For now.

“I.....yeah...I think I might...” He did his best to push the darkness from his mind, and though it didn’t work greatly, he still imagined a more positive aspect of the idea. While Kai very much did not enjoy being face to face with a predator, on numerous occasions he had enjoyed watching other animals from a distance. Other animals that wouldn’t eat him. Only once he had been quiet enough to see a mother deer and her fawn grazing in the woods. He also heard stories about big herds of animals out in the meadows.

“Do...do you ever go to the meadows? P-Past our forest? I’ve...heard that there’s lots of things to see out there, but...the other day was...my first time being near it...and...I...didn’t exactly...see...much...” He had been too preoccupied huddled in a ball on the ground to see any part of the meadows, unable to move or think. But the idea of getting to see them, in his right(ish) mind this time, he almost felt excited.

"Speaking." Thinking.